My Book/ Part 1 - The Beginning.

Hi I am Erin, an out and proud transgender woman.

Welcome to my world. And a wonderful world it truly is. Let me give you a brief introduction of my appearance in the present time. As of this writing I have reached the moment in my transition that I feel truly myself. I am the woman on the outside as I always felt on the inside. My weight is 202 lbs. on average, and I am 6ft2in tall. Or as I like to say, 5ft14in, to blend in a little more with average female height. However I am a native from the Netherlands and we, the Dutch people, are the tallest in the world, and as such I am only 7 inch taller than the average Dutch female, which is at 5ft7in. Now this is obviously without wearing heels. Of course I still have some masculine facial features that will not go away without FFS surgery (Facial Feminization Surgery), although the HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) as well as electrolysis, chemical peels and facials have changed some of these typical male features by softening my skin and redistributing fat into a more feminine location. My scalp hair line is still masculine, but the typical male baldness pattern has come to a stop and my hair has grown substantially over the course of five years. The rest of my body is shaping up real nice as well. With the exception of my typical male belly, anything else pretty much lines up with an average female body. Among many other things, my body hair is gradually becoming thinner and growing slower, my skin is softer and less oily, and my body odor, as well as my sense to smells, is defiantly feminine. And I know you like to know more about two of the most feminine parts that are always thought of, when someone is at the beginning of her journey, yes those parts. Well I will talk about that later in this book, in part II, chapter two and four. And as a general warning, I am talking about my transition from male to female, and as such I will occasionally mention male and female genitalia throughout this book. But I promise to keep it clean.

But let’s start at the beginning of my presence in this great world of us that I entered in 1963. I will try to keep things to a minimum, but will focus on issues that are related to being transgender. Then again it might be interesting to know a little bit more about me, other than that I am one very happy, and proud, trans woman. Although I started off being happy as a child, I was not always that happy. I became confused, not really sure about myself as a person, thanks to the social norms and conservative Christian beliefs at the time. See, my father was atheist and my mother is Christian. When they married my father promised my mother’s parents that their child will be raised within the beliefs of their church until my 16th birthday, and so I was born and raised in a conservative Christian family, with their strict rules. However I did of course get to know my father’s side of the family as well, but the main focus was that they were raising me as a Christian. Up until my 16th birthday I followed this Christian lifestyle and I choose not to continue this as I could not find the truth in this believe. At the present time I am still atheist but I do believe there is something out there. I just cannot understand the thoughts that many Christians, and other religions, seem to have against minorities and the LGBTQ community in particular. You shall love your neighbor as yourself, right? Are you ready to start reading about my life? Great lets go for it. Grab a cup of coffee and one or two cookies. Preferably Girl Scout cookies, as they support the transgender community, and allow transgender children to be their self. So, here we go.

Chapter one: A Child is Born.

It is now Monday evening, at 05:30pm on the 6th day of May 1963, and I am born in one of the smaller hospitals in the city of Dordrecht, the Netherlands. My mom started labor at the beginning of the weekend, so she had to endure an intense delivery. My father was there with her, the whole weekend. It turned out my mom needed a cesarean delivery. But there I was, apparently with male genitals, so I was instantly assigned male at birth. (AMAB)

Now throughout the 9 months of pregnancy, there were concerns that my mom might lose me, so she was put on a popular medication for that time, called “Diethylstilbestrol” or better known as DES. This is an anti-miscarriage drug and it mainly contains synthetic estrogen … a lot of estrogen. After 6 months on DES my mom was abruptly taken off this medication, as the news came that DES could be harmful to both the mother and child. More over DES later in this chapter.

In the Netherlands when a child is born, the father has to report this to the city hall within a few days of birth. That’s where they keep all the records from Dutch citizens and create your birth certificate. From that moment on your name, and gender, will be chiseled in stone since the Dutch government does not allow a citizen to change his/her/their given name. The same goes for the gender. This was until 1985, but it was not easy and there where many requirements. On the July 1 2014 however, the Dutch government made it easier to have your birth certificate corrected into your new gender, without the requirement of having SRS, Sexual Reassignment Surgery, but with a letter from a transgender certified psychologist, of which there are just a few in the Netherlands. This is also the only time you are allowed to change your given name, since your name should match with your gender. After the change, the original birth certificate will be deleted in all the records, and after a few weeks you can choose to have the original birth certificate shredded. This is a one-time change only, non-reversible. More about the legal formalities later, I am moving too fast here.

So there I was, a little boy with two proud parents. Just like most of us I don’t remember much about my first years, other than what I was told by my parents and by looking back at pictures. My mom was a seamstress and my father a bookkeeper, living in a small apartment with only one room at first. About one year after my birth we moved to Zwijndrecht, a small town, right across the river from Dordrecht. This is where I lived my adolescent life until I was 18 and drafted in the Dutch Army. We first lived in a flat and later moved twice to a typical Dutch apartment homes. I went to kindergarten but don’t remember much about the time spent there. Elementary school was next, and this is where I start remembering some of my childhood. I was never really into hanging out with the boys. I did have one friend at school, but in general I always like to be by myself. Same with girls I think. I just kind of want to be on my own for some reason. You see, there was this problem I faced. I didn’t feel like a boy and I didn’t look like a girl. That I did know. That there is a name for this, and that I was not the only one with this feeling, is something I didn’t know until later in life. Much later.

It’s a Boy… or a Girl?

May 6 1963 I am a boy, or am I? People are only male or female, or are they? I am not going to talk too much about intersex, chromosomal variations and non-binary, just mentioning what I think is needed to explain my story.

According to the Intersex Society of North America (ISNA), one in 100 births of people have a body that differ from standard male or female, and one or two in 1000 births of people are receiving surgery to “normalize” genital appearance. Most commonly the surgeries to intersex children involve creating, modifying or completing, a vagina, even if most of the child’s genitalia appears male. The parents are then raising their child as a girl, and usually this is kept quiet. The ISNA is objecting to elective surgeries done on people (usually children) without their informed consent.

So in this book I stay with male and female, although there’s more than just 100% male or 100% female. Actually I don’t think no one is truly 100% male or female, it’s more of a sliding scale. So in the drawing below X marks the spot of where one will feel of his/her/their gender in the scale.

According to Wikipedia, non-binary (genderqueer) people may identify as either having an overlap of, or indefinite lines between, gender identity; having two or more genders (being bigender, trigender, or pangender); having no gender (being agender, nongendered, genderless, gender free or neutrois); moving between genders or having a fluctuating gender identity (genderfluid); or being third gender or other-gendered, a category which includes those who do not place a name to their gender.

Neither am I going to say anything about sexual orientation, something that’s often confused when cisgender people talk about us, the transgender community. Sexual orientation is who you go to sleep “with” and gender is who you are going to sleep “as”. Both cisgender, transgender, intersex and non-binary people can be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or any of the other labels. Sex is what’s between the legs and gender is what’s between the ears.

I have drawn the following hierarchy flowchart showing my thoughts of sex/gender:

AMAB = Assigned Male At Birth

AFAB = Assigned Female At Birth

Again I am not mentioning the variations in intersex and non-binary people. For one I don’t know enough to make an honest statement and secondly I don’t want to make mistakes since I don’t identify as intersex or non-binary and have no real-life experience, therefore not knowing where exactly in this flowchart I feel they belong, although I have meet a few non-binary people at gender dysphoria group therapy sessions. It really is up to each person him/her/their self to feel and say where in the chart they belong.

Another interesting thing is that society only places our sex in two boxes M and F, although slowly some states and countries are now introducing the third gender X as an option.

Now how is it possible that society look at us by allowing our gender to be either one of the two sex (genitalia), even though we do have more than two options in skin, hair or eye color? I know I might sound strange to some, but genitalia comes in more different shape, form and size than just the two commonly known male or female parts accepted by society.

DES (Diethylstilbestrol) anti-miscarriage drug.

A little earlier I mentioned that my mom was on DES medication to help her carrying me during her pregnancy. In the 1960's, women with high risk pregnancies were treated with DES, diethylstilbestrol. Epidemiological studies have since demonstrated strong associations between such therapy and abnormalities in the offspring of these pregnancies. After 6 months she was abruptly taken of this medication as it became known to do more harm than good. After learning about this somewhere online, I started some research myself, as to what the effects could have been in relation to being transgender. I told my mom, who in return told me about her being on DES medication. She clearly remembered her doctor suddenly telling her to stop this medication immediately. After reading up on a study about DES, my mom and I truly believe that this is the most likely reason I am transgender.

Transgender people have existed in our world since human kind, way before this medication became about, so this is not the only reason some of us are transgender. I think; however, this is my reason.

So, what exactly is DES, Diethylstilbestrol?

In 2005, Dr. Scott P. Kerlin, Ph.D., presented a paper presented at the International Behavioral Development Symposium 2005 in Minot, North Dakota, from results of a 5 year study to prenatal exposure to Diethylstilbestrol (DES) in males and gender-related disorders.

Here is a shortened quote from the 5-year study:

During the 1970’s and 1980’s an increased amount of public and scientific attention was paid to the health and medical problems of individuals whose mothers were prescribed diethylstilbestrol (DES). A potent synthetic nonsteroidal estrogen, DES was first developed in 1938 and initially became available in the U.S. for treating a range of gynecologic conditions in 1941. A few years later its approval by the FDA was broadened to include treatment of pregnant women for the purpose of preventing miscarriages. Though its efficacy had long been questioned by some in the medical community, DES remained popular with doctors until discovery in the early 1970’s of an apparent association between prenatal exposure to DES and a rare form of vaginal cancer in females whose mothers used DES.

While DES usage with pregnant women was banned by the FDA in 1971, the drug continued to be used in several European countries into the early 1980’s. DES remained a popular option for treatment of advanced prostate cancer in aging males due to its ability to inhibit luteinizing hormone secretion by the pituitary and thus inhibit testosterone secretion, despite reports that adverse effects from this treatment could include feminization in males. Through the 1970’s DES was also prescribed as an estrogen supplement for treatment of male-to-female transsexuals.

It has been estimated that as many as four to five million American women were prescribed DES during pregnancy. Estimates of the numbers of “DES daughters” and “DES sons” born in the U.S. are between one million and three million each. Hundreds of thousands of DES sons and daughters were also born in Canada, Europe and Australia between the 1940’s and 1980’s. Efforts to determine exact numbers of prenatally exposed individuals, and the dosage and exposure patterns, particularly during the years of prime DES popularity, 1947-55 in the U.S., have been largely unsuccessful.

Developmental feminization at the structural or functional level is an emerging theme in species exposed, during embryonic or fetal life, to estrogenic compounds. Human experience as well as studies in experimental animals with the potent estrogen diethylstilbestrol provide informative models.

The evolving research on endocrine disruptors has implicated DES in a variety of sexual differentiation disorders of the brain and body in males. Among the possible effects associated with prenatal DES exposure that have been discussed in the literature is impact on psychosexual development. Research investigating possible psychosexual impact in human males was first published in the 1970’s. Studies by various researchers attempted to assess various dimensions of “masculine” and “feminine” behavior and spatial ability among DES sons. In their meta-analysis of 19 studies on the behavioral effects of prenatal exposure to hormones administered for the treatment of at-risk human pregnancy concluded:

The data on prenatal exposure to synthetic estrogen derive primarily from subjects exposed to diethylstilbestrol (DES). DES-exposed male subjects appeared to be feminized and/or de-masculinized, and there is some evidence that DES-exposed female subjects were masculinized.

In July 1999, the U.S. National Cancer Institute, National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, Office of Research on Women’s Health and the Centers for Disease Control jointly sponsored a two-day conference, “DES Research Update 1999: Current Knowledge, Future Directions” (NCI, 1999). The event brought together leading DES research scientists, public health specialists, and DES-exposed advocacy group representatives for an evaluation of what was known and what still needed further investigation in the realm of human health effects of DES exposure. Among the notable conclusions of this conference was that DES sons had been insufficiently studied, and that more studies were needed to document the full range of adverse health consequences in DES sons.

By July 2004, a sample of approximately 500 males with confirmed (60% of total) or “strongly suspected” DES exposure (40% of total) participated in the DES Sons International Network research and provided a summary of major health, medical, and psychological issues they had encountered across the lifespan. Among the 60% of participants who indicated they had confirmed their exposure; the majority of confirmations came from the mother’s verification of having been given DES at some time during the pregnancy. The total number of study participants who have confirmed their exposure through direct access to their mothers’ medical records continues to be investigated.

Among the most significant findings from this study is the high prevalence of individuals with confirmed or strongly suspected prenatal DES exposure who self-identify as male-to-female transsexual or transgender, and individuals who have reported experiencing difficulties with gender dysphoria.

In this study, more than 150 individuals with confirmed or suspected prenatal DES exposure reported moderate to severe feelings of gender dysphoria across the lifespan. For most, these feelings had apparently been present since early childhood. The prevalence of a significant number of self-identified male-to-female transsexuals and transgendered individuals as well as some individuals who identify as intersex, androgynous, gay or bisexual males has inspired fresh investigation of historic theories about a possible biological/endocrine basis for psychosexual development in humans, including sexual orientation, core gender identity, and sexual identity.

Administration of sex steroids is not without risk. In the 1960's, women with high risk pregnancies were treated with diethylstilbestrol (DES). Epidemiological studies have since demonstrated strong associations between such therapy and abnormalities in the offspring of these pregnancies.

Perhaps most important relative to the findings presented in this current study of DES sons is the recommendation by Hunt et al. (2005) that future studies of preterm infants treated with estrogens and progestin’s need to carefully observe “evidence of any adverse events from hormone administration”. Hunt et al. recognize two indicators of adverse events in this area:

Feminization of males and long-term psychological morbidity, defined as any psychological disorder that meets diagnostic criteria of DSM-IVR.

Growing up as a Child.

I have no brother or sister, I was the only child my parents could have. A second pregnancy would have been too risky for my mom, and this was strongly discouraged by her doctor. So, I grew up being mostly alone, which actually wasn’t all that bad. I had no one to argue with. However, being the only child, and having no sister, did mean that I didn’t know much about the social and sexual difference of the other gender.

The time I recall my first feminine behavior is when I was either 7 or 8 years old, when my parents and I moved to our last apartment where we lived together as a family. I do have other memories but I cannot add a time or age to them. The neighbors had a daughter who was probably around my age. We hang out together quit often and we were mostly in her room playing with Barbie’s. I am not sure when exactly but soon her parents didn’t allow me, a boy, to be with her, upstairs, in her room, so the doll playing came to an end. I enjoyed playing with Barbie’s so much that I wanted to have my own, but my mom didn’t let me. However, I was allowed, and did get a few, “boy” dolls, namely Action Man (the European version of GI Joe) and The Lone Ranger with Tonto. You know the typical tough guys, military and cowboys. I did enjoy playing with these, but it wasn’t as much fun without Barbie. Still no Barbie’s, not even one. I was also into filming, super 8mm back in the days, video wasn’t around yet. I created quite a few super 8mm movie shorts with the dolls. With the super 8mm camera mounted on a tripod, and with the use of a shutter release cable, I was able to expose the film frame by frame. The frame rate was 18 frames per second, so I was posing the dolls and took 3 frames, move their arms a little and take another 3 frames, etc. etc. The final result was an animated film. But how to get a Barbie?

While making these little films I finally had the idea. I told my mom that they needed a girlfriend, so if it was okay to get a Barbie. But nope, no such luck. Not sure if I ever got a real Barbie when I was young. I did buy an imitation Barbie doll once, and hide it.

My choice in fashion was of course limited to male clothing. My favorite color was red and I used to like wearing my pants inside my boots, but was soon bullied that I was acting to girly. So I changed my favorite color red to blue and wear my pants over my boots, so anything was according the social norms, no more bullying. I guess. Did I like female clothing? Oh yes I sure did. Did I wear my mom’s clothing? I don’t recall ever wearing my mom’s clothes, too scared I would be caught. My dad had big and strong hands and I wasn’t taking the risk of getting an old fashion butt whooping. Luckily for me there was a variety of mail order fashion catalogs at home. I spent many hours browsing through these and dreaming about how pretty they look… on me. And every year the new mail order catalogs came out and, oh dear, I was excited and trying to get them before mom did. I used to browse through these catalogs for as long as I can remember, so probably in my adolescent years or earlier.

Most of my time spent at home was just by myself. I did have a friend and occasionally we played at my room. He wasn’t into doing much of the expected boy stuff either. One of my hobbies was, and still is, model railroading. I started this early on in life. Watching my father build a model train layout at first, and soon I was doing it. I build quit a few different model train layouts throughout my time at my parents’ home. Later, while attending technical school, I picked up interest in electronics, which became my second hobby. I was experimenting with electronic parts and eventually building my own little projects.

Yet another thing I like to do was technical drawing. It started with drawing on craft paper and building miniatures out of it, like trucks and buildings. This eventually turned into a temporary job as a blue print draftsman, working for my father’s company. I picked up some amount of extra cash, which quickly disappeared to the local electronics store, where I bought electronic parts to build some home electronics projects. At one time I actually build my own stereo amplifier.

And then the personal computer came into my life. That was yet another thing that kept me inside my room all day. If I wasn’t at school. For those of you who remembers: I started with a Sinclair ZX16, Atari 800XL, a variety of Commodore’s and finally a “real PC” an Amstrad IBM compatible machine.

Yes, I was the geek, home alone all day and every day. Staying out of trouble and not really coming in much contact with other people, male or female.

Chapter two: Living as a Man, and Anything Will be Okay?

So, I am not sure at which time in my childhood I accepted the fact that I was male and should act that way. And how was I even supposed to act like a male? Anything I did was just normal to me. Honestly, I didn’t really think too much of gender. I didn’t have a girlfriend, or boyfriend for that matter, and there was no real sex education that I know off. At school we talked about the flowers and the bees. At home we talked about nothing. So, at what time did I figure out the, sexual, difference between a man and a woman? I think I must have been between 10 or 12? And then my understanding was very limited. I was always afraid of my penis and thought that it will just fall off at some time. I remember the first time I was with a girl and we decided to have “sex”, whatever that was. So, we both undressed our lower bodies and I was surprised to see that she didn’t have what I have. I didn’t bother looking a little closer, so to me it was just pubic hair I noticed. Then we hugged each other and thought that we were now having sex. My sexual education, if you call it that way, started with soft adult magazines. So, seeing the female lower body was still limited to only pubic hair. Later I upgraded to XXX magazines and figured things out, but that’s not for this book. I think I stop right here.

School, Work and Social life.

In the Netherlands we have a different school system than in the USA. In my time it was 6 years of elementary and 4 years of technical school. So we don’t have middle or high school. After elementary school we have to choose where to go next. This can be a technical, home economics or college education. After graduation at 16, you are allowed to work 3 days a week but still have to attend some kind of school for 2 days. This becomes 4 days at work and 1 day at school when you are 17. At 18 you are allowed to work 5 days a week. Now this was the rule back in the 80’s when I was still living there. So, what kind of continued education do you choose so early in life still at elementary? In my time they had psychological tests to determine your “best” choice. My result was that I was not smart enough for any college education, so to the technical school I went, which was were my interest was anyway. Later as I was older, my parents showed me the letter with the result from the psychological tests, and I quickly lost any faith in psychiatrists. There is another reason I didn’t care much for psychiatrists. Both my parents were in a mental health facility where they met each other. Growing up I remember taking my father to therapy sessions once a month. He was placed on valium and other heavy addicting drugs, so that’s how I started to see mental health providers as people to stay away from. This is an opinion I changed later in life, after becoming a patient myself, thanks to my gender dysphoria.

Any way back to school. I choose to study metal fabrication/machinist. I wanted to become a railroad engineer and at the time they preferred either machinist, electrical or automotive degrees. Since I had to go to school and could not work full time until I was 18, I decided to remain at school and picked up a higher degree in metal fabrication/machinist and an extra degree in electrical. So, when I was 18 I graduated with 3 diplomas and I was and ready to apply for a job at the railroad. I figured with these added diplomas I had more change of getting hired. I was eventually hired but not as an engineer, since I found out I am colorblind. I became a railroad mechanical department employee, a job I eventually continued later on in the USA.After graduating the railroad school, I permanently worked at the shop, but soon was drafted into the Dutch military, while still being a railroad employee, while keeping my benefits but not the income.

Our military back in those days existed of a few full-time male and female professionals (both officers and enlisted), a few more short-time male and female professionals (enlisted) and the bulk of drafted, all male, soldiers. I was drafted in 1983 with the signal corps and had to report to the electronics school. After graduating a few months later, I was stationed in the same city, but in a different military installation. I was stationed with the 122nd signal corps detachment, part of 106th signal corps battalion. Over the years, since World War II, the time spent in military service went down to just 18 months. Since May 1, 1997 there’s no longer an active draft in the Netherlands, but in case of a war the draft will be reinstated. So, I did my 18 months of service, which I didn’t enjoy too much at the time, of course looking back after all these years, it was a pretty cool time. Ah the Dutch military draft… it was seen as turning boys into man. Really? It didn’t work for me.

All this time in the military is spent 24/7 with guys that don’t really want to be there in the first place, me included. We slept in rooms with 10 guys. Talk about a testosterone-controlled bunch of wild animals, looking for girls, in their time off, and every other 45 minutes of the hour while on duty. Me too, sort of. After all as a guy you are supposed to like a girl etc. etc. etc. I did find a girlfriend in the local city that I hang out with. Still not really knowing much about sex. Actually, she taught me a thing or two. I remember she asked my opinion on a couple of intimate related things, however I didn’t know how to answer every single question. Nothing serious happened relationship wise, although we were friends for quit a little while. She introduced me to her sister and being around woman was a new thing for me. (Except for the time I was playing Barbie’s with my neighbor girl) So I had my first experiences of being around females, in a more private/intimate setting.

So I guess the military can turn boys into man, or at least make you think you are a man. One thing the military draft did was teaching respect, comrade, and discipline. Being able to trust and count on your comrades when your life depends on it. Currently there is still a professional military in the Netherlands, and we are part of NATO. The Netherlands is host to a few US Army, US Marines and US Air Force units.

Time to close my adolescent years and think about my future.

At the time I studied, the technical school was mostly attended by boys. There were only 3 girls among probably 1000 or so boys. Most girls went to home economics instead of technical school, if they didn’t choose college. Often, while on lunch breaks, boys and girls from both schools meet at the local shopping center, right across the schools. Not me, I just wanted to be alone most the time. I did have one friend at school I hang out with sometimes. I remember we both used to get bullied sometimes, although I have no idea what the reason of bullying was. Probably because we both didn’t really hang out with guys doing tough guys stuff.

It’s now 1981 and the Dutch railroad hired me as a mechanic for passenger trains. They send me to a railroad owned school for 2 years, which was a nice time, getting paid to learn, and it involved a lot of travel. Just like the technical school, this school was male only, although females could have attended, but railroad is a typical male occupied profession. I spend 3 days per week either at the shop or school, rotating every 6 weeks. The other 2 days in the week were spent at a college paid for by the railroad.

My social life interacting with other people, when I was a young child, was pretty much limited to visiting family in the weekends. I enjoyed visiting my nephews and nieces near Rotterdam, which I think we mostly did on Sundays, after church. Watching TV and listening to the radio wasn’t allowed on Sunday. My oldest nephew had a radio in his room, but wasn’t allowed to tune into music channels, but we did anyway. I had one friend I hang out with and we either spent time together at his parents or my parents place. We both were not into the classic boy stuff, and we both were also pretty quiet. We mostly did activities involving art and administrative things, copying our fathers work we see them doing, since they were both employed in an administrative position. We actually had a made-up travel agency that we “managed”. My father started out as a book keeper and eventually started his own business with two friends. They created an aluminum window factory, where he managed the administrative part. My friend and I enjoyed model railroading as well. Our leisure and going out time was mostly spend in visiting hobby shops. We never went to discotheques or any other places where boys meet girls. We just weren’t interested in hanging out with girls I guess. We weren’t gay either, at least I assumed. I am not even sure if I knew what gay was at the time. I think on my 16th birthday I had a few classmates over and we celebrated my birthday at home, nothing special or fancy. When all but one of my classmates left, I was approached by him and he kind of forced him on me in a sexual way. I was surprised and didn’t know what to do, other than keep him away from me. I guess that moment was my first gay experience? Not sure when my next gay experience happened, but at one time I was improperly approached by an older man in a park, behind the soccer fields where I used to ride my bicycle, and he had some form of oral sex with me. I went home and told no one, just took a long shower, and forgetting about it.

Getting Ready for Adult Life.

After graduating the railroad school, I permanently worked at the shop, but soon was drafted into the Dutch military, while still being a railroad employee, while keeping my benefits but not the income.

Our military back in those days existed of a few full-time male and female professionals (both officers and enlisted), a few more short-time male and female professionals (enlisted) and the bulk of drafted, all male, soldiers. I was drafted in 1983 with the signal corps and had to report to the electronics school. After graduating a few months later, I was stationed in the same city, but in a different military installation. I was stationed with the 122nd signal corps detachment, part of 106th signal corps battalion. Over the years, since World War II, the time spent in military service went down to just 18 months. Since May 1, 1997 there’s no longer an active draft in the Netherlands, but in case of a war the draft will be reinstated. So, I did my 18 months of service, which I didn’t enjoy too much at the time, of course looking back after all these years, it was a pretty cool time. Ah the Dutch military draft… it was seen as turning boys into man. Really? It didn’t work for me.

All this time in the military is spent 24/7 with guys that don’t really want to be there in the first place, me included. We slept in rooms with 10 guys. Talk about a testosterone-controlled bunch of wild animals, looking for girls, in their time off, and every other 45 minutes of the hour while on duty. Me too, sort of. After all as a guy you are supposed to like a girl etc. etc. etc. I did find a girlfriend in the local city that I hang out with. Still not really knowing much about sex. Actually, she taught me a thing or two. I remember she asked my opinion on a couple of intimate related things, however I didn’t know how to answer every single question. Nothing serious happened relationship wise, although we were friends for quit a little while. She introduced me to her sister and being around woman was a new thing for me. (Except for the time I was playing Barbie’s with my neighbor girl) So I had my first experiences of being around females, in a more private/intimate setting.

So I guess the military can turn boys into man, or at least make you think you are a man. One thing the military draft did was teaching respect, comrade, and discipline. Being able to trust and count on your comrades when your life depends on it. Currently there is still a professional military in the Netherlands, and we are part of NATO. The Netherlands is host to a few US Army, US Marines and US Air Force units.

Time to close my adolescent years and think about my future.

Starting a Family.

I was still living at my parents’ home. I remember coming home from school and work and going upstairs to my room. Actually I had two rooms, but my father removed the wall between the two rooms, to create one big room. This was like having a living room and bedroom combined. It was pretty cool. Here I used to just sit down on my couch and watch TV, play with my Atari and later Commodore computers, or read books. Quit often I also used to sit down and do nothing but thinking of why my life didn’t feel as it probably should. I mean I had everything. I successfully finished school, had a dream job, parents who loved me, making my own money. I was able to, and did, go out in the weekends. Mostly to the “big city” of den Haag and exploring its nightlife. So why wasn’t I feeling great? I didn’t know. Something was just not right. Something was missing? Was it time to find a wife and starting a family? That’s what everyone seems to do right? Isn’t that what society expects me to do?

I did enjoy going out to the big city and visit some of the discotheques or bars. However I had a difficult time approaching girls, was I scared or did I not know how to start talking to them? My Friday and/or Saturday nights always ended up being alone, so I think I gave up on this after a while.

After I served my active time in the Dutch military, and got out on furlough, I met my wife, who was US Army active duty at that time. She is now retired. She was stationed in the Netherlands and we both were living in the same apartment building. We met through our neighbors, an elderly couple who invited both us for coffee and cake. We liked each other and to keep a long story short, in 1986 we got married in the Netherlands. Now anything will be okay, I am following the unwritten procedure of what society expects, get married, start a family and live happily ever after. In 1987 we had our first child, a little boy who unfortunately, only lived for a few minutes. We heard him cry, then silence…

The following below is still in progress.

Chapter three: A Dutchman in Virginia USA.

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A New World, A New Me?

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Four Lovely Children.

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Happily Married, or Unhappily Self?

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Chapter four: The First Steps.

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Crossdressing.

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Testing the Waters.

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Self-Medication, not a Good Idea.

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Chapter five: Coming Out.

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Telling My Family and Friends.

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The Big one… Work and Co-workers.

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Finally Out of the Closet.

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